I'm Growing

A Mirror Of Our Love

  Someone once said, "Grief is your love, turned inside out.". I like that. It really is true. Why do sorrow and grief hurt so bad? Because the love was so strong. And if you're a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) like me, then you do indeed feel deeply; both the good and the bad. My husband has been trying to help me overcome this intense sensitivity for about a year now, and it's slow progress. Really slow. My family called me a drama queen, though I never meant to be one; I was just different in how I reacted to situations. My problem was that I was never "happy" or "sad". I felt things sharper; deeper. Instead of happy, I was ecstatic. Instead of sad, I was despondent. To make things more complicated, I picked up other people's sorrows and problems and internalized them. I could be having a perfectly good day, but if someone near me was feeling down, then BOOM! I'd be crushed and depressed with them, with no clear way of how to get back to being happy. I still struggle with this, although it's gotten better in the last year (again, thanks to my patient man!).

  Being a HSP and someone who internalizes other people's emotions has proved to be the ultimate challenge as I still wade through grief these days. My husband is back from bootcamp, and I am SO happy to have him home! But at the exact same time, I still struggle with the sadness that things didn't work out the way we wanted them to. This was all my husband wanted, and his lifelong dream got snatched away. I didn't realize I did it, but I internalized all of his emotions. It's almost like my mind is saying, "Here, let me suffer the heartbreak for you, so you don't have to." I took his sadness, despair, frustration, and grief, and added it to my own feelings of grief. WHY DO I DO THIS!?!?!? As if my double suffering is really going to help anyone??? Grrr. But I did it, and now I'm trying to get out of this mess.

  Grief hurts because it's a mirror of our love.

  A few people, here and there, are starting to give me the whole, "it's time to move on" speech. Or telling me that this really is hardly anything to still be grieving over. I just keep my mouth shut at this, because 1) I can jolly well grieve as long as I need to, and 2) absolutely nothing decent would come out of my mouth if I responded. Grief is just too personal to put a limit on. A normal person could probably move past this faster, but for a sensitive person who took on a double load of emotions? It's gonna' take a whole lot longer.

  The healing process has proved interesting, at least. It's an inward journey to see what works, and what doesn't. I'm writing in my journal every day, to vent and explore my muddled mind, and after that there's lots of time on my yoga mat, lots of practice in quieting my mind through concentrated breathing, and of course reading my Bible.

  Grief is a challenge, in that it strikes you at random times throughout the day. I can be having a happy day, and then something will spark that sadness... It can be folding my man's camo pants/blouse, putting his cover (hat) away, or even simply seeing a USMC decal on someone's truck. I try so hard to fight those feelings... Try to battle the sadness, the disappointment. Sometimes it works better than others.

  Grief hurts because it's a mirror of our love. I have no desire to temper the intensity of my compassion and love, so I guess I have to accept the intensity of the grief, and learn to tame the beast. What an uphill climb...

  Namaste.

Martial Arts Meets Dance (and Yoga)

 During Yoga class today, my instructor informed everyone that there was going to be a special class held next Sunday afternoon. She called this technique "Nia Dancing", and said it was basically a mix of martial arts, freestyle dancing, yoga, and tai chi. I was immediately intrigued, but still had no clue what this would look like, so I had to CTG this (Consult The Google). And voila! A Youtube video immediately came up, and I am all the more intrigued! So Sunday afternoon, thou shalt find me clumsily learning how to dance a very new style.

 I'm excited. ^_^

Introducing The Woodstove: Vlog!

 Some weird mood came over me yesterday morning, and I decided to try doing a video again, after over a year's break! It's raw, it's got flubs, but it's here in all its funky glory. My friends, I would like to introduce you to my cantankerous wood cookstove that I argue with every day. :)

This Place I Call Home

  Ta da!! It's your lucky day! Y'all get PICTURES! Today's picture roll is a tour of where I live, and have lived for the last year. It's a little apartment space above my in-laws shop; it currently has no running water, there's no heat except the wood stove in the kitchen, the bathroom has only a composting toilet, and no shower (I promise I do take showers. Every day. I just have to go next door to take one!), and it's pretty dark even on the best of days.

 But you know what? I LOVE it here! Really. It's a quirky little spot, but it's home to me and my husband.

 So, without further ado... Let the tour begin!

First off is ze' kitchen. The picture you see below is the view you get when you first walk in the door.

And here's the "kitchen part" of the kitchen. LOL. Lots of checkers going on here! But I like it; it's cheery in a funky sort of way.

A view of our lovely, slightly-cantankerous wood stove...

The "bedroom" area. There's no real bedroom; it's all one big, open space. But we have a corner of the house for the bed. Nothing fancy, but quite comfortable. :-) (and that mishmash of papers on the wall are where I tape up all the drawings that little kids give me. I'm sappy like that... Hehe.)

The living room! Yes, that's another wood stove right there in the middle, but we can't use it due to the fact that it burns too hot (no damper on it) and could potentially set the place on fire. Which, last I heard, was not a good thing. As you can see, we've got twinkle lights hanging to add more light (much needed here!), and they've been hanging since last year; when a blog reader mentioned stringing them up to help me sleep better at night (which they did, and I finally got to the point that I can sleep without them. LOL.). The open door on the right leads to the bathroom, and the closed door on the left is the "man cave". Yep, I let my husband have his very own man cave. To which, I'm not allowed to go in unless I want internet, because that's the only spot where you can sometimes get a little bit of working wi-fi.

  Believe it or not, that's all there is to this house! It's tiny, but fun. You can walk the whole length of it in 15-20 steps. I've enjoyed my year here though, and I'm going to miss it when we finally have to move...

 But there you have it. This is where the distracted yogi lives and distractedly tries to accomplish her yoga. ;)

Elephants Are Cool. Vague Ideas Are Not.

Have you ever had the feeling of being on the very brink of an idea? The feeling that you're supposed to do something; something that may very well change your life, but you're not sure what it is? It's just -- a feeling. It's so tantalizingly close though. It flits through your dreams, races past while you wash the dishes, just out of reach, just out of range. Oh it's horrible! And yet, so exciting! You're constantly looking for it, trying to figure it out, trying to grasp this elusive thought. 

  I'm stuck in this moment, and have been for the last two weeks. It's like watching a seed sprout and grow; I can't quite tell what flower it will turn out to be, so I have to just wait and watch it slowly, gently, peacefully unfurl. I have this vague idea of doing something, but that's just it: It's vague; hazy; undefined. I'm an impatient person, and I'm aching to get to the bottom of this and find out if this is even a logical idea, but at this point... I don't know!! All I know is it has something to do with writing. And people. And teaching. And journals. And elephants. I kid; no elephants. *wink* I just wanted to see if you were still awake. Elephants are cool though; I like their big feet. Ahem, anyway. Back to the vague idea. I have NO idea what this idea is. I only know that its been haunting me for two weeks. It's growing into SOMETHING; but I don't know what yet!! It may prove to be a brainchild, but my gosh... I'm still in the first trimester of the pregnancy if that's the case. 

  I'll keep you posted. Hopefully I get an epiphany soon.

P.S. Just for the sake of keeping you in the loop, my husband is finally home!!! *Squeeeeee!* He got home not too long ago, which is why I haven't been writing. Ah've been busy enjoyin' havin' mah' man home! (no idea what's up with that accent; it just came suddenly).

Be Different

Little Calf, Sassafras

 My favorite milk cow here at the farm just calved two weeks ago, and had a gorgeous little heifer (female)!! The little girl has been named Sassafras, and I am *quite* smitten with her. Amidst all my smittenness, I remembered that I should share some pictures!

Little Calf, Sassafras!