I'm Growing

A Mirror Of Our Love

  Someone once said, "Grief is your love, turned inside out.". I like that. It really is true. Why do sorrow and grief hurt so bad? Because the love was so strong. And if you're a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) like me, then you do indeed feel deeply; both the good and the bad. My husband has been trying to help me overcome this intense sensitivity for about a year now, and it's slow progress. Really slow. My family called me a drama queen, though I never meant to be one; I was just different in how I reacted to situations. My problem was that I was never "happy" or "sad". I felt things sharper; deeper. Instead of happy, I was ecstatic. Instead of sad, I was despondent. To make things more complicated, I picked up other people's sorrows and problems and internalized them. I could be having a perfectly good day, but if someone near me was feeling down, then BOOM! I'd be crushed and depressed with them, with no clear way of how to get back to being happy. I still struggle with this, although it's gotten better in the last year (again, thanks to my patient man!).

  Being a HSP and someone who internalizes other people's emotions has proved to be the ultimate challenge as I still wade through grief these days. My husband is back from bootcamp, and I am SO happy to have him home! But at the exact same time, I still struggle with the sadness that things didn't work out the way we wanted them to. This was all my husband wanted, and his lifelong dream got snatched away. I didn't realize I did it, but I internalized all of his emotions. It's almost like my mind is saying, "Here, let me suffer the heartbreak for you, so you don't have to." I took his sadness, despair, frustration, and grief, and added it to my own feelings of grief. WHY DO I DO THIS!?!?!? As if my double suffering is really going to help anyone??? Grrr. But I did it, and now I'm trying to get out of this mess.

  Grief hurts because it's a mirror of our love.

  A few people, here and there, are starting to give me the whole, "it's time to move on" speech. Or telling me that this really is hardly anything to still be grieving over. I just keep my mouth shut at this, because 1) I can jolly well grieve as long as I need to, and 2) absolutely nothing decent would come out of my mouth if I responded. Grief is just too personal to put a limit on. A normal person could probably move past this faster, but for a sensitive person who took on a double load of emotions? It's gonna' take a whole lot longer.

  The healing process has proved interesting, at least. It's an inward journey to see what works, and what doesn't. I'm writing in my journal every day, to vent and explore my muddled mind, and after that there's lots of time on my yoga mat, lots of practice in quieting my mind through concentrated breathing, and of course reading my Bible.

  Grief is a challenge, in that it strikes you at random times throughout the day. I can be having a happy day, and then something will spark that sadness... It can be folding my man's camo pants/blouse, putting his cover (hat) away, or even simply seeing a USMC decal on someone's truck. I try so hard to fight those feelings... Try to battle the sadness, the disappointment. Sometimes it works better than others.

  Grief hurts because it's a mirror of our love. I have no desire to temper the intensity of my compassion and love, so I guess I have to accept the intensity of the grief, and learn to tame the beast. What an uphill climb...

  Namaste.

Elephants Are Cool. Vague Ideas Are Not.

Have you ever had the feeling of being on the very brink of an idea? The feeling that you're supposed to do something; something that may very well change your life, but you're not sure what it is? It's just -- a feeling. It's so tantalizingly close though. It flits through your dreams, races past while you wash the dishes, just out of reach, just out of range. Oh it's horrible! And yet, so exciting! You're constantly looking for it, trying to figure it out, trying to grasp this elusive thought. 

  I'm stuck in this moment, and have been for the last two weeks. It's like watching a seed sprout and grow; I can't quite tell what flower it will turn out to be, so I have to just wait and watch it slowly, gently, peacefully unfurl. I have this vague idea of doing something, but that's just it: It's vague; hazy; undefined. I'm an impatient person, and I'm aching to get to the bottom of this and find out if this is even a logical idea, but at this point... I don't know!! All I know is it has something to do with writing. And people. And teaching. And journals. And elephants. I kid; no elephants. *wink* I just wanted to see if you were still awake. Elephants are cool though; I like their big feet. Ahem, anyway. Back to the vague idea. I have NO idea what this idea is. I only know that its been haunting me for two weeks. It's growing into SOMETHING; but I don't know what yet!! It may prove to be a brainchild, but my gosh... I'm still in the first trimester of the pregnancy if that's the case. 

  I'll keep you posted. Hopefully I get an epiphany soon.

P.S. Just for the sake of keeping you in the loop, my husband is finally home!!! *Squeeeeee!* He got home not too long ago, which is why I haven't been writing. Ah've been busy enjoyin' havin' mah' man home! (no idea what's up with that accent; it just came suddenly).