A Mirror Of Our Love

  Someone once said, "Grief is your love, turned inside out.". I like that. It really is true. Why do sorrow and grief hurt so bad? Because the love was so strong. And if you're a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) like me, then you do indeed feel deeply; both the good and the bad. My husband has been trying to help me overcome this intense sensitivity for about a year now, and it's slow progress. Really slow. My family called me a drama queen, though I never meant to be one; I was just different in how I reacted to situations. My problem was that I was never "happy" or "sad". I felt things sharper; deeper. Instead of happy, I was ecstatic. Instead of sad, I was despondent. To make things more complicated, I picked up other people's sorrows and problems and internalized them. I could be having a perfectly good day, but if someone near me was feeling down, then BOOM! I'd be crushed and depressed with them, with no clear way of how to get back to being happy. I still struggle with this, although it's gotten better in the last year (again, thanks to my patient man!).

  Being a HSP and someone who internalizes other people's emotions has proved to be the ultimate challenge as I still wade through grief these days. My husband is back from bootcamp, and I am SO happy to have him home! But at the exact same time, I still struggle with the sadness that things didn't work out the way we wanted them to. This was all my husband wanted, and his lifelong dream got snatched away. I didn't realize I did it, but I internalized all of his emotions. It's almost like my mind is saying, "Here, let me suffer the heartbreak for you, so you don't have to." I took his sadness, despair, frustration, and grief, and added it to my own feelings of grief. WHY DO I DO THIS!?!?!? As if my double suffering is really going to help anyone??? Grrr. But I did it, and now I'm trying to get out of this mess.

  Grief hurts because it's a mirror of our love.

  A few people, here and there, are starting to give me the whole, "it's time to move on" speech. Or telling me that this really is hardly anything to still be grieving over. I just keep my mouth shut at this, because 1) I can jolly well grieve as long as I need to, and 2) absolutely nothing decent would come out of my mouth if I responded. Grief is just too personal to put a limit on. A normal person could probably move past this faster, but for a sensitive person who took on a double load of emotions? It's gonna' take a whole lot longer.

  The healing process has proved interesting, at least. It's an inward journey to see what works, and what doesn't. I'm writing in my journal every day, to vent and explore my muddled mind, and after that there's lots of time on my yoga mat, lots of practice in quieting my mind through concentrated breathing, and of course reading my Bible.

  Grief is a challenge, in that it strikes you at random times throughout the day. I can be having a happy day, and then something will spark that sadness... It can be folding my man's camo pants/blouse, putting his cover (hat) away, or even simply seeing a USMC decal on someone's truck. I try so hard to fight those feelings... Try to battle the sadness, the disappointment. Sometimes it works better than others.

  Grief hurts because it's a mirror of our love. I have no desire to temper the intensity of my compassion and love, so I guess I have to accept the intensity of the grief, and learn to tame the beast. What an uphill climb...

  Namaste.

I Keep It Safe

  If you look at my profile picture (top, right corner of blog), you may notice that I seem to be wearing a necklace. It looks quite ordinary, so you probably paid very little - if any - attention to it. What you can't really tell from that profile picture, is that it's not a regular necklace chain that ladies usually wear. It's a ball chain, like what military dog tags hang from. This chain stays tucked into my shirt 24/7. I don't bring it out, I rarely show it to others, and it's even more rare that I tell what's on the end.

  I will let you in on the secret though. It's nothing earth shattering, but it means a lot to me. It's my husbands wedding band...

 Jet black in color so that it'd be safe to wear in combat, polished smooth, and made of tungsten carbide, I keep it on a chain around my neck. Why isn't my husband wearing it, you ask? The military doesn't allow men to wear any sort of jewelry during training; including wedding bands. So while my man could have still taken it with him, and kept it in a locker with his other civilian items, he let me keep it safe for him.

 And so 'keep it safe', I do. I'm horrible when it comes to remembering where I put things, and I was terrified of losing his ring! So onto the chain it went, and now here it stays until he comes home.

 I love being able to wear this unique necklace all the time, but truth be told... I'll like it even better when I don't have to wear it anymore; because that will mean that my husband is finally home and wearing the ring himself!

  And that's something I look forward to. :-)

Your Raw, Beautiful Self

via Unsplash

 I have lived a life behind a mask; not a physical mask, mind you, but rather a metaphorical one. I have hidden who I was; ashamed of my looks, my interests, my voice, my stance, my vibe. And I am not the only one. I will wager that you too have also lived a life behind a mask; perhaps you still are. Why do we humans do this? We ALL do it! It's as though there is some unspoken standard that we all have to conform to, rather than being our unique selves. We're uncomfortable wearing a certain pair of jeans that we love because "what might people say?? They might not approve of those rips!" We're hesitant to dye our hair a different, fun color that we've always wanted because "People might think I'm weird". We're afraid to love ourselves for how we naturally look because we don't look like a photoshopped, anorexic model from Hollywood. And of course we can't sing and jive in the car, because - well - people might think we're nuts!!

  People are so beautiful... We're so different and unique, and when we let our raw, beautiful selves shine through it's a staggering thing to behold. My friend, do you know how amazing you look when you are confident?? 

 You can tell at a glance when someone is comfortable with how they look, and how they are. They practically glow from within. Sure, they still have problems, but they at least have less than those of us who still have our doubts and fears about ourselves! They have a joy about them. Their vibe is one of happiness and contentment. I know people like this, and I desperately strive to be like them... And yet, not be like them. I want their passion, their energy, their enthusiasm, joy, and happiness. But I want it to be stemming from my own unique self; not from attempting to copy who they are. 

 We're all so gorgeously unique. DON'T HIDE IT!! Let it out! And don't you dare ever let someone pull you down because of it. 

Accepting yourself is one of the greatest keys to life; something I'm still discovering and mastering. I'm an introvert, so that makes me tend to "keep myself to myself". In other words, I'm one way at home, and another way in front of people. This isn't right, and I know it. But over the last year I've gotten better about accepting myself, and loving the awesome, unique, crazy person who I've been created to be! This entire post came to mind while driving home from yoga class this morning. It had been an awesome morning with the instructor, and all the other wonderful people there to do yoga, and I was feeling pretty dang upbeat while going home. I was only halfway through town, when I decided to do what I had always mentally considered "improper". I boosted my music up, and by Jove did I bop and jive, and sing along! Yes, I looked CRAZY!! But I was happy and laughing, and you know what? Other people saw me. And instead of getting those looks of reproof I'd always feared, they smiled too! I was being me, and people were fine with it!

  Here's a secret I have for you: You don't owe society anything. If someone thinks your pink leggings are weird, or doesn't care for your chalk highlights (I admit, I'm over the moon in love with chalk highlights right now), or thinks you have too many piercings, or doesn't like your music, voice, or the way you break out into a happy dance in the store, just tell them that you're currently not accepting bullshit, and they can take theirs somewhere else! Okay, you could be more polite than that... A simple smile and wink will usually do it too. People who judge aren't happy people; and happy people weird. Them. Out. So don't be surprised if people comment, but for your sake I beg you... Don't let it affect you! You're not ugly, you're beautiful! You're not fat, you're just the right size (my husband calls me "fluffy", and personally I love that term. LOL.)! You're not dumb, or hopeless, or too nerdy, or weird. You're perfect. You are so, so beautifully perfect. And you deserve to realize that. Because when you do, life will suddenly be a whole lot brighter, happier, and better. Think I'm joking? I dare you to give it a try. See if it doesn't affect you when you suddenly accept your whole self.

 People are so beautiful... We're so different and unique, and when we let our raw, beautiful selves shine through it's a staggering thing to behold. My friend, do you know how amazing you look when you are confident??